A warning for the sensitive : this is not a happy fic.

Apologies in advance to Dolores for the subject matter, and for making
her sad story even sadder.

I was going to wait and ask for a beta, but i've decided to send it as
is. If anyone wants to beta/collaborate on some non-slash, no-sex,
general fic i'm working on and have ideas for please send me an email.

This should be even darker than i've made it...


TITLE         : No longer in the dark
AUTHOR        : Black Widow
EMAIL         : bw@l...
SUMMARY       : Alone in a power cut, Joyce reflects on some unwanted news
SPOILERS      : S4, E19 NMR
RATING        : G
PAIRING       : Gen Fic
DISCLAIMER    : The BtVS characters are the property of Joss Whedon,
                Mutant Enemy, Kuzui, Sandollar, and Greenwolf
                Productions, 20th Century Fox, the WB Network, and
                whoever else may have a hold on them. The situation is
                wholly mine, and I do not mean to infringe upon any
                copyrights.
ARCHIVE/DIST  : List archives only. No exceptions.
NOTES         : Lyrics from 'Ball and Chain', Barclay James Harvest,
                1971. Set after New Moon Rising and 'Got To Be
                Certain' by Dolores Labouchere.

*

The door closed. Joyce hardly noticed as she continued to stare at
the all too familiar shadows on the wall, struggling to lift her mind
from the blackness. 

After a while she turned her attention to the candle, watching the
flame sway slowly from side to side. Purely for want of anything better
to do she blew at it just to make it flicker, and then blew harder to
see how much it could take before it went out.

Was everything Buffy did so secret that she couldn't tell her own
mother? It was bad enough that she risked her life every night, but
didn't she ever think of the worry it caused? Alone in the dark again,
cold and tired, no one ever thought about her anymore.

          If I had my way I would not be here
          Not for one day, my leaving is clear

The words of the strange-sounding song cut into her thoughts; well,
nearly no one. 

All she had to keep her company now was a half-empty mug of luke-warm
coffee and a tinny-sounding little radio with batteries that were
almost flat.

          I've had my share of heartache and pain
          For happiness I'm searching in vain
          I've got to get rid of my ball and chain 

Joyce looked at the radio and wondered why the local station couldn't
have been blacked out as well. "Cheer me up, why don't you," she
grumbled.

          For all of my life, the times they've been bad
          And hard luck and strife, they're all I've ever had 

"Tell me about it." The last few years had seemed like an eternity. At
times she'd wondered if knowing about her daughter's destiny had
actually made things any better. She'd had no one she could share her
problems with, no one that she could talk to.

          I've had my share of heartache and pain
          For happiness I'm searching in vain
          I've got to get rid of my ball and chain 

"All I ever get is dead friends or a small pile of dust," she muttered
to herself. And anyway, she knew who she wanted to be with.

          I've just got to be free
          God in heaven, help me 

"I wonder when I stopped believing in him?" And she knew that freedom
was a lie. Could she ever be truly free? She was certainly free of
Hank, even though she still missed him in her bleaker moments. And for
all Buffy cared, for all the interest she didn't show, for all the
times she never called or they didn't talk - perhaps Buffy thought she
was free of her mother. Of course, she knew that it was her own fault
that she was alone now.

          If I had my way I would not, would not be here
          No, not for one day, my leaving, my leaving is clear 

"I can't just leave," she told the candle. The shadows had grown taller
as the candle burned. Even in the two minutes she'd been staring at the
flame, it looked like the shadows had eaten away more of the room, the
black void mirroring her own despair. If only she'd known then what she
knew now.

          I've had my share of heartache and pain
          For happiness I'm searching in vain
          I've got to get rid of my ball and chain
          Help me!
          I've had my share of heartache and pain
          For happiness I'm searching in vain
          I've got to get rid of my ball and CHAIN!

The batteries finally died as the singer wailed the final word. With a
sigh Joyce switched the thing off properly. She was down to what
little was left of her last candle, she had no more batteries and the
coffee was barely warm.

Joyce picked up the last resort she kept for self-defense and turned it
over and over in her hands, watching the light from the candle glint
off its cold surface. She'd had more than her fair share of heartache,
pain was a constant companion these days and now she knew that the
happiness she was searching for, that she'd thought she'd found only to
turn it away, could never be hers.

Her life was a sham, she knew that now. Yet, in truth, she'd known it
ages ago but was unwilling to accept it. Now, of course, it was clear:
unwanted, ignored and unloved, she'd been a fool and she knew it. No
one even came near her now - her daughter's reputation preceded her.

Drinking the last of the cold coffee, she watched the shadows play on
the walls again before returning her attention to the tiny yellow
flame. Releasing the safety, she sat there patiently waiting for the
candle to burn itself out, and understood why Oz had really called
round to say goodbye before he left town.