*

Hello, this is Joyce. Jenny is teaching me how to use this computer so
I can talk to you {garbled} I mean, write to you the modern way.

{garbled} Okay. I'll remove what you say after. Can I start now?
{garbled}

I have something I need to confess to you...

Everyone thought I was so prim and proper. You know... there goes
Joyce, such a nice pleasant woman, dresses conservatively, drives a
sensible car, so safe and reliable, {garbled} and she did her best
with that hellion daughter of hers. As if someone my age couldn't have
fun. As if I didn't know what fun was. {garbled}

Bringing up a daughter single-handed does place constraints on what a
working {garbled} mother can do. How could I have tried to instill
sensible and reasonable values {garbled} in my daughter if I went out
partying {garbled} every night?

Okay, so perhaps I'd mellowed a bit over the years. Not that I'd got
into a rut, but running the gallery imposed its own restrictions on my
lifestyle and, not that I'm complaining {garbled}, but most of my
spare time was taken up worrying about Buffy.

And anyway, just look at Rupert. Everyone sees a mild mannered
Englishman. How many people would think he knows how to have a good
time? {garbled} Well, apart from Buffy. I'm just glad that I managed
to keep my thoughts under control when she was infected by that demon.
{garbled} If she ever found out that I had a stash of that candy for,
let's just say, recreational purposes... So I was in a rut, but we
only needed the candy to break the ice. One bar. {garbled} Okay, one
bar each, but after that.

It was so good to feel like a teenager again {garbled}; to lose all
the inhibitions that had built up over the twenty-odd years {garbled};
to forget all my responsibilities for a night. To be able to {garbled}
hmm, rut like a pair of animals in heat, without a care in the world.

That night everyone went crazy? We had no control, we'd eaten so much
of that candy we had no idea that what we were doing was so wrong.
{garbled} All we knew was that it was so good; how on Earth could we
give it up? And afterwards, once I'd gotten over the embarrassment
{garbled}, I had to wonder why I should give it up. It was only a
matter of being discrete.

Naturally, I had to take precautions. It wouldn't do for Buffy to
burst in and discover us. So we'd sneak off to that run-down motel on
the edge of town and book a room for the night.

The first time, I brought just a couple {garbled} of candy bars with
me - you know, safety in moderation. We sat on the bed watching each
other; I think we were both nervous as we ate the chocolate in
silence.

But, have you ever wondered how some things are just supposed to
happen? It was music that got me in the mood that first time, so I'd
brought an old cassette player with me and a handful of tapes from my
younger days. I plugged the thing in, grabbed a tape at random
{garbled} and hit the play button. After a second the song began and
at the words we both burst out laughing. Sometimes, I used to wonder
at the music I listened to before Buffy came along. {garbled}

Seals and Croft {garbled} were nothing like these. You definitely
couldn't make out to any of their music. Hitting the stop button, we
raced to get our clothes off, laughing at the prospect of playing out
the lyrics. Of course, I insisted that I got to go first {garbled} as
I rewound the tape and started the track again, crawling onto the bed
as the introduction played...

You wouldn't believe the electricity that passed between us as our
fingers touched. The candy freed us, the music gave us impetus, our
bodies craved it {garbled} and our passion drove us.

We did it all night long to just that one track, {garbled} taking it
in turns, {garbled} turning the volume up each time as we squealed
and squealed and then screamed and screamed. {garbled}

So what ever you do, don't remember me as prim and proper. {garbled}

{garbled}

[MERGE Faith : To Angel] And let me tell you now, Faith has one hell
of a pair of lungs on her {garbled} and you wouldn't believe how loud
we had to turn the volume up. I just hope it wasn't me that made her
go bad. {garbled}

[MERGE Cordelia : To her parents] She had no self-respect left.
{garbled} How could she afford to look so good when you finally got
found out by the IRS. Anyway, it hurt me to look at her wearing the
same outfit twice, and in exchange for some really expensive clothes I
showed her what she'd been missing when she went with Xander. You did
know about him, didn't you?

[MERGE Darla : To Angel] Did I mention before just how much I didn't
like you? So when she came back, you know, to apologize for what she
did to me, how could I resist? Thank God she'd given up on the whole
Catholic schoolgirl look. I didn't recognize her at first, but those
nice people who brought her back certainly know a thing or two about
proper clothes. And you know what? She screamed nearly as loud as
Faith did.

[MERGE Harmony : To Spike] There are no secrets anymore. Between your
bloody awful poetry, your lust for my daughter, and even that deranged
vampire that left you, you're nothing but a loser. And all the while
you were thinking of Buffy, your Harm was thinking of me. I'm so glad
no one could be bothered to put you down like the dog you are.

[MERGE Anya : To Xander] Of course, you know all about what happens
when you mess with magic. Oh, and so does Anya apparently. {Garbled}
Jenny tells me you {garbled} had the hots? for me. How sweet. You know
I felt the same for you, honey. {garbled} And since everyone tells me
how impossible she is, what's left of the candy is hidden in the
basement; you should be able to find it quite easily. You probably
need it the most.

[MERGE Dru : To Angel] If I didn't know any better, I'd say she was
exposed to just a little bit too much mercury. Mad as a hatter, your
Dru. {garbled} I'm still not sure if she actually realized what we got
up to. The candy had a really strange effect on her - it must have
been something to do with her age - but she kept on insisting that the
queen wouldn't be amused. Dru was, though. I gave her a couple of bars
for when she caught up with Darla. If you hear reports of strange
banshee-like noises, at least you'll know why.

[MERGE Willow : To Sheila] It was just one of those things, you just
have to forget the circumstances, but ever since the first time I held
her in my arms, I knew I had to have her. And if you hadn't been out
of town so much, if you'd been a half-decent mother and taken more of
an interest in her, perhaps Willow wouldn't have felt easier coming to
me for comfort. Anyway, we kissed {garbled} and made up, so at least
she's forgiven me for what we did to her and poor Amy.

[MERGE Tara : To Willow] I really am sorry, dear, but I hope you
understand. You were my first and you always were my favorite. You
were more like a daughter to me than Buffy was. Not that I thought of
Buffy... oh dear, that sounds really bad, doesn't it? Please believe
me when I say I didn't know about you and Tara when we, ah, had our
little fun. She really has got the sweetest stutter. And we didn't eat
ours at lunchtime either. {garbled} Jenny says she is very proud of
you. {garbled} But if you are going to burn your bra, remember to take
it off first. Oh, really! Seriously, dear, we both loved you and are
very proud of you. And not just because I turned you into a raving
dyke. Hey! I didn't say that! {garbled}

[MERGE Kate : To Angel] It's all about opportunity. When she came down
asking questions - you wouldn't believe how suspicious she is, and how
much she hates vampires - she let slip that she knew you, so what
choice did I have? I suppose the good news is, from your point of
view, you didn't miss much. Oh, we had fun, but that horrible scar on
her neck was just so off-putting! {garbled} Do you know Buffy has one
just like it? Oh, of course you do.

[MERGE Glory : To Buffy] How could I not? I mean, she had a body to
die for {garbled} and I wasn't well at the time. And it wasn't as if
you took much interest in anything I did. Or tell me anything either,
so I didn't know what she was at the time. {garbled} You've got your
claim to fame, and now you can say your Mom made out with a god. Or
perhaps not. Still, it was nice to know you cared for me at the end.

[MERGE Jenny : To Angel] We're having the time of our, ah, deaths up
here. It's a shame you never got to know Jenny better, she's got a
wicked sense of humor. And you would not believe what she's like in
the sack. {garbled} Not that she ever would have with you - and you
can't now anyway, given the circumstances. {garbled} She wants to say
hi, and no hard feelings. {garbled} Actually, that last bit's mine.

{garbled}

Well, that was easy, darling. This computer's very clever, and you're
so patient teaching me how to use it. {garbled} Yes, I know it was
your job, but the voice recognition thing makes it so easy even I can
do it.

So, once I've set up the letter, it'll create a personal copy for
everyone when I tell it to? {garbled} And the letter gets written
automatically? {garbled} Incredible. {garbled} Yes, I know. Still,
when the real one goes out, at least the candy won't be wasted on
Xander; it is a pity, but I do think Giles needs it more.

And then all I have to do is say