The Angel/Oz Slash-O-Matic

Title: Eternal Hirsute Forbidden Everlasting Silence Vampire Wolf State Sweaty of and for if with by between Time Love Passion Darkness Brooding Eternity [Insert Latin here] Pale Sexy Purple

Angel and Oz are having sex about to have sex talking about having sex thinking about having sex being laconic brooding manfully styling their hair getting married insulting Cordelia. but the problem is it's not enough. one of them is a vampire. one of them is a werewolf. one of them is ginger. they've run out of hairgel. they've run out of lube. the Powers That Be have interfered. Again. it's before the 9pm watershed. UPN want them to wrestle. Meanwhile, at the Hyperion Hotel at Caritas at the offices of Wolfram and Hart in a dark, confined space a sewer in the streets of Los Angeles in the Tunnel Of Love , Cordelia Wesley Gunn Lindsey Lilah Faith Darla Drusilla Virginia Anne Devon Holland Manners The Host and Cordelia Wesley Gunn Lindsey Lilah Faith Darla Drusilla Virginia Anne Holland Manners The Host Devon a random unpronouncable demon his/her vampire self from an alternate universe are having sex. about to have sex. talking about having sex. thinking about having sex. flirting. avoiding one another. getting married. talking demony gobbledegook. negotiating with a client. singing a Sreisand duet. fighting with big scary swords. feeding off Kate's other relatives. having a bitchfight. at one of Cordelia's godawful plays. wondering how Angel can afford prime real estate. wondering how Angel has such perfect hair without aid of a mirror. wondering how Oz got the van to Tibet. wondering why Buffy won't just kill Spike. pondering the nature of good and evil. Suddenly, a demon with big teeth and claws the glittery club kids, eh, the Oracles a Watchers' Council black ops team Angel's hair Lindsey's plastic hand a shimmery portal to a demon dimension Anne Robinson explodes announces SMG has won an Emmy anounces SMG has won an Emmy, then explodes starts speaking in a dead language starts hacking them to pieces sings a Britney Spears song tells Angel 'You are the Weakest Link! Goodbye!' muders Regis, but sadly lets Kathy live. , forcing everyone into hormonal overdrive. into a sewer. to whip out their own weapons. to dial Angel Investigations on their cell phones. to contemplate their path in life. to run away screaming. to dish out bitchy one liners. to wear lots of leather and look sexy. to blurt out their most secret fantasies. to return to their Winnebagoes in a huff. to murder the Emmy judges. to have sex. to mock Cordelia's highlights. Naturally enough, Angel gets on the situation right away and strips down to a white wifebeater that shows his hairless armpits broods for a while fixes his hair pants like a dog gets on top of Oz drinks some blood from a Barbie mug ignores everyone else's opinion twirls a stake meaningfully in his hand contemplates making a hairdresser's appointment sings 'It's Raining Men' really badly (but still better than Geri Halliwell) , while Oz is silent. plays guitar. drives his van around aimlessly. smears chocolate spread over his nipples. turns into a wearwolf. is small but perfectly formed. thinks deeply about life. eats dog food. says something sardonic. attempts to smile, scaring everyone. objects to the flea collar Cordelia is making him wear. sees things no one else can. puts on a dress and calls himself Fifi. Fortunately, the problem can be solved simply if Buffy shows up out the blue. if Faith gets out of jail by killing a few lawyers. by belting out a Diana Ross number at Caritas. by Willow and Tara chanting something in Latin and throwing some fairy dust around. by everyone having sex. by intensive brooding. by the Host handing out free tequila. This means of course, that the other problem, relating to Angel's soul Wesley's closeted homosexuality the fact that Cordelia hasn't had a date in ages the impending Apocalypse Oz's annual subscription to Lycanthropy Monthly Gunn's chip on his shoulder the evil law firm Darla and Drusilla's murderous rampage SMG's awful acting the small army of Vahrall demons the Watchers' Council assassins how to let people know about this the demon karaoke bar Xander's greasy hair can be solved by amazing powers of repression. chopping the head off a random demon. sacrificing some virgins. having sex again. This time standing up. phoning Giles and asking what he'd do. buying the Host a Seabreeze. Kate being a weak Scully rip-off. paying for more acting classes for Cordy. having group therapy. a bottle of volumising shampoo As the story ends, everyone gets drunk on tequila at Caritas. wakes up next to the Host after getting drunk on tequila at Caritas. developes a nasty itch. discusses the nature of Angel's road to redemption. Again. bitches at each other. denies all knowledge. blames Buffy. drives off into the sunset in Oz's van.